“Do you love me?” .. “Why do you keep asking this all the time”, he said.
“Do you love me?” .. “I love you each and every day”, he said.
I know this is something we expect. It might seems romantic but few of us must have insecurity and few of us have anxiety. Both are not same.
Okay! I have a lot to write but I will start from here. Let me tell you something, I know how much irritating I sound while I ask it. I know you can’t answer me this all the time. I know a lot of things and most of them are just spoken by my mind. I wonder how people say “speak your mind” so confidently. I mean at least to you I speak my mind. And I know that it’s too much for you in a day.
No, Nah! I am not complaining. Definitely I understand that you don’t feel the same. No not about love but about loving a person with anxiety. As I said, I know a lot of things and most of them is the art work done by my internal intelligence agency. Ha! At least you laughed at this.
But what if suddenly I start getting numb while you are alluring.. “oh! love what a beautiful day!” and rather listening to your wonders I am busy making myself focused and not loosing sight, not getting lost. And while you are about to share the happiest moment of your life, I start loosing count on my breaths. More excited you get, more my heartbeat starts pounding out of my chest and my ears acts like a dead machine. Sorry honey I am busy stabilizing myself. And as you are getting lost into your fantasies, I am getting lost in the wonderland but not the one which we read in our textbooks.
Now let me tell you where I am. I can see tunnel, White tunnel. I can see myself acting like I am on a big water slide, less slant than I thought. And someone just pushed me into it and at that moment I could feel no gravity, it’s like no land under my feet. My head starts spinning and I am unable to trust that this tunnel is a ‘safe place’. You can see my sweat, my bluish nails and my accelerating breath. And it stopped you from being you. From my blur lens I can see your laughter diminishing and your feelings taking a U- turn. For you it’s sudden, spontaneous. For me it’s into me. It’s like a self explosive mode and I lost its remote.
So you started making me comfortable. You started blowing air over my face while asking me what just happened? You asked me if I need to go to hospital? You ask me If you said something wrong. But No! You didn’t. I need some good words to explain that my heart is racing more because I can see my heart actually racing. My mind is a ‘thought-tank’ where thousands of thoughts are living at the same place. And right now, these over populated thoughts are incomplete. They are fighting and running and pushing each other to get completed but alas! such a pretty war it is.
As obvious I know that you don’t know what’s going on. To help myself, I am trying to tell you what’s going on but like my thoughts my words are incomplete too. I can hardly pronounce a letter. I can see your efforts, I can see how worried you are. You are trying to give me water and words. But nothing is enough right now.
Now comes the most difficult part. Soon, I thought-I realize-I am dying. I realized that I am failure to catch my breath and my lungs are empty oxygen cylinder. And I bursted out. My tears are making their way out of my eyes and my control over my body. I can see you are still standing there calling someone for help.
Counting from one to two to three to four then all over the place my tears became my greatest enemy. I started crying like a child with no control. I am scratching my head and slowly lessening the distance between my knees and my chest. Being at this edge feels like the edge of the bridge. Even without jumping off, it scares the hell out of me. And I see it scares the hell out of you too.
You are rubbing my back and my hands confused if you actually need to do so. You tried your best. You thought of every single possibility to calm down me. You stopped every single feeling of excitement and love just to see me if I’m okay? And as soon as my flight landed on ground, I started calming myself by switching all my modes off. And for me it’s peaceful. Slowly and deeply my body is surrendering to surrounding. I wish to lie down like a dead piece. But you took a hold on me. You wrapped your arms all over my shoulder, touched my hairs like a mother and kissed me on forehead. And I felt it was a safe landing after all.
So now you know how it looks like. Now you entered into my dark world and it’s just the beginning. And let me tell you the fact, everything I just said was limited to the time period of 10-30 minutes.
Aha….. That’s it?!
From now you know I have issues.
Time passed we did every possible things that we could do. We enjoyed each other’s company. You told me how supportive you want to be for me. Your smile and simplicity was therapy to me. You told me we are soulmates and I said it’s true. And I was at peace. I was enjoying the sea through sitting into the submarine of the fact that you know what my darkness is. At least 10 weeks from then, it was a beautiful lane of memories where I was at ease to know that I no more need to hide what I feel, I no more need to be ashamed of ruining a moment or calling for help or seeking an emergency support. At least in those days I felt normal. Each and everyday I was surprised with the possibility of depth of understand.
But that was not over, slowly and gradually (like if no one noticed, neither me) you took another U turn. You saw me crying you did nothing. I asked you “do you love me?” you said “why the hell you always keep asking me that?”. I told you how I feel and you make me shut by declaring me as constant source of negativity. Soon I became the burden I was afraid of. You stopped calling me. You stopped asking me if I am okay?. There were days when my social anxiety was shouting at me and you stopped that noise with your gentle words and a little push. I was aware of the fact that it’s not easy. But I was also aware of the fact that I loved you and you said we were soulmates. And I thought we were really soulmates. And it’s not that you deny that you love me anymore. But I don’t see it anymore.
I said my mind is filling up and my chest is heavy and you said ‘Okay’. I told you my most embarrassing thought of the day and how it makes me feel, you say “how even someone can think like this, crap!”. I breathed hardly and you said ‘stop overthinking’. When I told you how much afraid I am for another panic attack and you replied “oh last time I saw Bercelona loosing a match I had a panic attack. Don’t worry you will be fine ahaha”. I asked you if I am not bothering you? and said “you really need your pills”. I remember once I was not able to speak a word to say that I am still hungry and I was looking for the exact word to say in an appropriate manner (Does it sound too much? sorry It’s normal) so I was stuck between ..”ummm I (sigh) i-e Umm (scratching my nails) Um I wan- I just wa-a-n-ted to say…ahs (swallowing my saliva) and you did hold my hand and said softly “It’s okay. Take your time. I’m not gonna judge you. I am all ears.” And someday when I was just speaking like a bullet train and catching my speed, you told me to take a deep breath and smiled at me like it never happened. Now last I know that we were hanging out with our friends and I started feeling horrible and I felt like I can’t catch my emotions and it was all too much for me that day and I said I want to go home. And you said “there’s a lot more fun remaining. We can’t go now”. I said I am filled up, I don’t want to cry in front of them, It makes me feel weak”. You asked “Is there any reason why are you feeling so?” (Seriously, you are asking me the reason!?) I said I don’t know It’s just my m-i-n- .. “Okay that’s it! Tell your mind that it’s a crap it’s not working properly because I am here for fun not to cry for something ! You are sick why don’t you go mental hospital or do something with it. because I am done here!! I am not your care taker.”
That was all and I felt like– okay no more words, no more fear of being judged. I felt my hand shaking and legs getting numb. I felt if something is crawling into my stomach and my neck choking and my little heart screaming silently “please somebody help if you won’t judge me, please help!” While coming out of the hall, one last time I turned around and I saw him talking selfies and laughing like nothing happened and someone just popped up and said “hey see her, she is crying” and he replied “it’s usual she will be fine”. I went down on the stairs, sat like a baby crying for her mother. And That’s all. I don’t want to write anymore.
So here is the irony! Now let me tell you few more important things. I was in final school when I first discovered that I have anxiety disorder. I was the topper of my college where we first met. I was know for my speeches in universities. I loved travelling. People came to me to tell their stories and feeling without being judged. I was the best therapist among my friends. I was the finest observer in my organisation. And most importantly, I loved him. I asked him If he is okay? I asked him how’s you feeling today instead of what’s up?. I cooked special meals for his bad days, wrote small notes for motivating him from a week ago of his interviews. I cheered for his homecoming like a 13 year old kid. I told him how good he is when he was down.
I was fighting my own battle but I tried my best to got his back. And most of the times he himself said that these efforts makes him feel joyful. I tried every possible thing to make him not feel like I am a burden. And that’s where I did wrong. Why I was thinking this way? Why it wasn’t effortless? All credit goes to – Anxiety.
Few most basic things I needed to learn is that- I am not a burden and love is effortless. I needed to realize that it’s important to let people know that neither I am handicapped nor I am abnormal. I am me only with my anxiety. And if someone loves me, then for him or her my anxiety shouldn’t be my identity. And last of all, I am responsible for my actions and it’s consequences but I am not responsible for how people see it. No one is perfect. So that’s it.
After all, Your brain chemistry is not my brain chemistry. It may be hard to love a person with anxiety but it’s not less worthy because love is effortless!
Life is about run.. isn’t it? I am 21. I am writing this one after a long time not because I lost interest but because I was running. It’s a humor! Imagine an infant saying “what if I LOST this race?”. When I was a school going kid I used to make plans what I have to do next to meet best in my academics. I planned something like.. at 8 A.M I have to complete my breakfast, at 10 I have to study chemistry, at 11 I have to study Language…at 6 P.M I have to go to basketball court..and so on. I grew up faster than I thought and then I graduated when I was 20 and now I’m working. Well I am sharing this because this is all according to what we call “perfect timing”?..yep it is. 
A perfect example of commitment, faith and believe. She had a golden chain in her neck signifying proof of belongness to the man of her life. It was hard to accept that even in that critical situation where one thinks of her comfort and survival, she managed her contents through faith with an endless meaning.
needperception 