At the edge of the Earth

 

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I was in a deep dark but suddenly sunrays fell over my face and I realised I haven’t slept this night again. It’s like insomnia. Insomnia that occurs every night. Those rays was warm coming onto my face but my eyes were reluctant to it. They were denying the acceptance of hope. It’s like a tunnel which has no end points. A path with no destination. Life seems too large to be lived for. I could hear the sound of my breath and it sound heavy. I was told to be a morning bird but that day I didn’t want to wake up. I was not lazy, of course, but I was insensible for a life that should be lived for living, not for surviving. I didn’t want to see the world because not a single thing was satisfactory. This human body of mine was no less a collection of dust. Though I was trying to get it right. I was trying to make those dust into stones but I was blank. Blank like a white room where I am tied up and not allowed to say anything, I could see only white light of hopelessness,  nothing else. Pretty mature I was but no more. Like I was living an after death life but that solemnly morning was the reality. I didn’t know who was with me, who was not. I didn’t know where I was and what I was doing. I didn’t know what should I do. Not a single breathe was satisfying, neither life nor death. Peace was just a virtual thing. I was afraid to see my feet that were denying to walk because they felt no path to walk on. I felt lack of strength into my brain. My will got collapsed. I didn’t see any point where I should stop thinking of getting invisible. Single movement was as difficult as if I am pulling 100 bricks together and it was  more than physical exhaustion. My interaction with nature was reducing day by day and the corner of my room was my favourite place. But this is not depression! Depression is when you lost all contacts over yourself and there is nothing existing you feel. I know those rays was intense, my eyes were sensitive but my brain denied to work over it. I was lying over the bed like a gravity less surface. Grave was in the air and I was simply taking that air in.

Crying is not depression but not crying is exactly seems like standing at the edge of the earth and this is what depression do!

 

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Pleasure Of Pain

“Life is perfectly not a good choice, death may be simple and peaceful but still not a good choice again” an honest acceptance by my mind, while the sun was at its height.

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But  then I start making excuses. In between the sun set and  arise of night angel my mind speaks again “You can’t deny the fact, that birth and death ain’t your choice but the journey is.”  Isn’t it difficult to bear the variations of our own mind? its like a swirling tornado of thoughts that you actually don’t want but it happens.

After sprinkling motivations and old age philosophies on myself, it is mid night and  again my eyes are blinking to adjust with light or you can say life. I’m somehow managing myself to think again….”reminding yourself that you are hurted is definitely not a good idea but you know little child..pain is important. Imagine your life without pain, don’t you think it’s a push? ..everyone needs it! It is something we are invisibly dependent on to keep moving. It’s like a ‘driving force’ and yes its driving me! It’s a essence of being alive because without dark, existence of light can’t be traced. ohh wait! pain never says, “my dear friend stop walking in your life because I’m in and what else you need to do in your life is to be sad all the time.” Definitely not! you’ll not make any step forward until you feel that standing in that position is not satisfying and that is what pain is. It is something which keeps us reminding that ‘WHY’ you never have to stop yourself in the journey of life. Trust me pain is a magical thing if we know its true meaning. Without pain, happiness is just a noise of laughter. I’m lucky I learned a lot and never stopped myself where it was expected..thanks to the most painful part of my life, I’m happy now.”

After a huge fight between my heart and mind…I have written the blog and went back to sleep.. now i can say I’ll wake up with sun rise.